10 things I'm gatekeeping from straight cis men this Pride (or maybe forever)

The following is satire only if it needs to be for your comfort.

.・゜゜・・゜゜・．.・゜゜・・゜゜・

Happy Pride friends. I hope you're all living lavishly, freely, and beautifully. Except you straight cis men. Just kidding. Kinda.

I guess I should explain myself before someone’s feelings get hurt.

But first…

Gatekeeping. We all know what gatekeeping is but I’m not sure if we all understand why people do so in the first place. I think that the art of gatekeeping is imposed by others for many different reasons.

One may gatekeep their favorite dive bar because they enjoy the chill and intimate environment and wish for that to not be disturbed by others. Or someone may gatekeep an artist they discovered because they fear their music becoming overplayed thus losing the personal value it once held.

However there are people out there who just gatekeep to gatekeep, and this I respect.

I love seeing people get mad because information is being hidden from them and forcing them to use the pink mush inside their cranium to figure things out themselves. Through this process we are able to help each other use our critical thinking skills which are very important in our day to day lives. This Pride (or maybe forever) I’m gatekeeping 10 essential things I believe straight cis men have been privileged enough to have access to throughout history.

My goal is not to revoke these rights but to simply reactivate this group of people’s frontal lobe. I’m not a doctor, but I feel like it could be dangerous and even shorten your life expectancy if you’re not consistently using the part of your brain that operates decision-making, problem-solving, and conscious thought. So if anything, I’m an ally to the straight cis men community and this is my effort to help them succeed in life.

Anyway. Let’s get started.

1. Skin care

   • As a straight cis man, this should not be prioritized on your list of things you are working on to become your idea of your best self. I promise you. And I don’t even know you so that says a lot. There are more vital areas of your life we should focus on. I’m gatekeeping this one to help you see that. And I’ll even give you a hint of something on your list we should bump up to the top: seeing a therapist.

2. Fashion

   • I love that some of you can dress nice. I truly love that for you. But I don’t want to hear about it. I barely even want to even see anything about it. And I know that it sounds like I’m contradicting myself, but let me explain. I’m gatekeeping this one hard because throughout all of time straight cis men have put such a high value on their outer appearance and what they wear. Back then it was flamboyant collars, enormous, puffy, velvet sleeves, and tights made out of the finest silks and now it’s Diesel this, Balenciaga that. No one cares. You shouldn’t either. Boys we need to direct our attention inward. I’m begging you. Please. PLEASE.

3. Power

   • Gatekeeping this one forever and on because y’all don’t know how to act right with this one. And I’d love to see you guys put your faith in the collective other for once.

4. Money

   • I’m gatekeeping this one mainly because I fear that somehow the Universe accidentally thought they were supposed to gatekeep the act of sharing from you guys. So I’m gonna have a talk with them and once we straighten things out, you guys are more than welcome to all the money in the world. But until then…

5. Fame

   • You guys are freaking everywhere. It’s driving me crazy. And I’m sure it’s driving you crazy too, right? Why don’t we just take a hiatus and scurry off into the shadows for a while, away from the dreadful, bright light of fame. Don’t worry. You won’t be alone there. You’ll have each other. Spend some quality bonding time together with your demons in the corner until I say it’s OK. You’re welcome.

6. Knowledge

7. Shoes

   • If I were to gatekeep shoes from straight cis men, them having to be barefoot on a regular basis would help them get in touch with their ancestral roots. It would physically and spiritually ground them. And I think the average straight cis man could really use that.

8. The grocery store

   • Gatekeeping the majority of man kind from grocery stores would force them to find other alternatives to accessible produce. I know at the end of the day, all a man wants is to farm his little fruits and vegetables and I fully support this. Let me help you help yourself help all of us.

9. The ability to be an influencer

   • You don’t need to influence others. You need to influence yourself… to get a job. Like hello?

10. Being an Obstetrician-Gynecologist

    • LITERALLY what are you doing? As a straight cis man in this field… What. Are. You. Doing? Is the Universe also gatekeeping being a Urologist from you also? I want you to influence yourself to get a job but please stay clear of a field focused on a subject you’ll never truly be able to understand.

I’ve said my peace.

Happy Pride.

☆ j from north of space